My best bosom buddy

I wrote this a few years ago and share it...trying to find SOME humor in the fact that in one week I will be 50 years old. This theme resulted in a sketch comedy script that was produced, the video of which I'm TRYING to upload about Barbie's little "secret" she revealed on a popular talk show. I also include numerous references in my stand-up comedy. Of course Barbie has a hard time standing up on account of unrealistically proportioned boobs and those crazy high heeled shoes...



Barbie: My bosom buddy


It's hard to believe the famous fashion doll and I are the same age. What happened? Even back in the day I never had statistically impossible measurement proportions. And since Barbie's locks remain eternally blond, she will never be friends with Miss Clairol!

Some of my friends weren't allowed to play with Barbies! Several moms thought they were too voluptuous and thus would give girls false hopes and unrealistic expectations. I wasn't worried about the gargantuan breasts. No, my concern was about those misshapen feet that would only slip into uncomfortable pastel plastic shoes.

This is make-believe, okay? Little girls also shouldn't think they'll get the dream house, corvette, hot tub, or the closet-full of a fashion wardrobe. Especially with a boyfriend who did not appear to be gainfully employed.

I didn't want my Barbie to be the beautiful ballerina. Why was there no Biker Chick Barbie.? How difficult would it be to furnish leather pants and miniature press-on tattoos? There was NO WAY I wanted to be like Barbie. Think about it, Ken was not anatomically correct!

Since I had the Limited Edition Toybox Trash model, we're really talking girls gone wild. The little floozy couldn't resist a man in uniform, so she had a hot fling with my cousin's GI Joe.

And here we go again…Some of Scot's friends weren't allowed to play with THAT toy. One side was concerned about boys playing with dolls, but hey, these were Army guys. They were macho, testosterone-laden dolls. Then the other faction had their US government issued boxers in a wad because of the toys being too violent.

Don't worry, little Timmy isn't going to go out and shoot people just because he plays with GI Joes. Timmy isn't going to want to be like GI Joe when he grows up because while Joe had a nifty uniform that attracted blond babes like Barbie, he lacked a missile of love.

Where the manufacturers DID perfect the anatomical action was with Puberty Skipper. If those troublesome teen years could only be so easy! The doll had a flat chest when her arms were raised above her head. Then when you moved her arms downward towards her side, out would pop an ample bosom. Disclaimer: training bra not included with doll.

While this fashion babe has evolved from the 1960s in many ways, she is fortunate to have not gone through the trials and tribulations of aging. She remains firm without working out; her skin stays youthful without the benefits of Oil of Olay.

Barbie put the "plastic" in plastic surgery, her boobs will never sag. But I bet her feet are killing her after wearing those wicked shoes for so many years.