Day 7 of Comedy Love: more panties?

And THIS is the winner of "The Great Panty Race" to which my statistician frequently refers. Although mom lives far away in Minnesota (but thanks to the internet can keep track of my every move) she is thrilled to know I have so many perverted friends! Hey, and leave some comments...she's gettin' kinda bored dontcha know.

Since we consider you family, PLEASE sing along...you know how the song goes:

12 mascots waving
11 octopusses flirting
10 stolen panties
9 bosom buddies
8 cats a smoking

7 panty raids

Another Seriously Weird! news report about a harmless college prank gone bad, especially when you have a sucky getaway vehicle:

A prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrfect 8th Day!

Ever hear that crazy song on the radio where the dogs are barking to the tune of "Jingle Bells"? Well the felines are giving them some competition...

And so the song continues: On the blah blah Day of Christmas my true love gave to me.

12 mascots waving
11 octopusses flirting
10 stolen panties
9 bosom buddies

8 cats a smoking...

WHAT? Cats can't smoke! That's absurd...and so is the audio comedy (click on the link) with a news report about the possiblity of kittens taking up bad habits.

The 9th Day of Comedy Love is merry and BRIGHT!

If my statistician ever wants to bust out and get a different job, I would suggest Victoria's Secret. Why? Not only on account of ample bosomliness; rather, because of this report: "Okay, first of all 2 more hits on Solar Power Bra. Ah, now the bra is getting some attention as opposed to your panties.
"

And so it should. So let's continue the sing-along.
THEN CLICK ON THE LINK for an audio comedy that reveals if a larger cup size means you can power more than your iPod.


12 mascots waving
11 octopusses flirting
10 stolen panties...

9 bosom buddies

I can't HEAR you! Are you singing yet?

Since I posted the bulletin and blog about the Seriously Weird! sing-along and freaky coincidence relating the 12 Days of Christmas to the fact I have 12 audio and video clips uploaded (and subsequently made up my OWN song), my statistician is thrilled!

Today's report: "Just to bring you up to snuff you have 2 more hits on Huevos and 6 (yes 6) on Panty Raid moving it further from Grand Theft Panty by 30 hits." And what a coincidence for my gift on day 10...

CHECK OUT THE BLOG. Sing...feel the spirit of the comedy love...and laugh! Don't be shy...come on...

12 mascots waving...

11 octopuses flirting...

10 stolen panties



Click on the link above...yeah...the guy who might spend more time in jail than if he'd stolen a car might not get over it so quickly!

Day 11: Time for karaoke with Shelly!

Come on, you know you want to sing...On the 12th Day of Christmas my true love gave to me:

12 mascots waving...

11 octopuses doing WHAT?

Hey, what happens in the Octopus Garden STAYS in the Octopus Garden, but if you CLICK ON THE LINK you can get a behind-the-scenes report of what goes on 20,000 leagues under the sea...

12 Days of Comedy Love

Since I posted the bulletin and blog about the Seriously Weird! sing-along and freaky coincidence relating the 12 Days of Christmas to the fact I have 12 audio and video clips uploaded (and subsequently made up my OWN song), my statistician can't report the updates quickly enough!

Sing...feel the spirit of the comedy love...and laugh! Don't be shy...come on...click on the link to enjoy the audio clip!

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me:

12 mascots...

12 Days of Christmas: Recap and Sing-Along!

My statistician alerted me again of the status of the Great Panty Race (referring to 2 comedy pieces with a similar kinky topic). As I reflected on the flurry of holiday blogging, it seems no coincidence that I currently have 12 audio and video clips uploaded here.

So here's another sing-along! To save time you can start with Day 12 and work your way backwards, unless you have a lot of time on your hands (or have been drinking too much eggnog). YOU CAN ALSO CLICK ON THE INDIVIDUAL LINKS, but I encourage you to experience as much comedy love as you can tolerate!

12 mascots waving

11 octopuses flirting

10 stolen panties

9 solar powered bras

8 cats a smoking

7 panty raids

6 hedgehogs mating

5 giant attack swine

4 teletubbies

3 board games

2 smuggled huevos

And a "goose" sharing comedy!

Love & laughs,
Shelly

GREATEST gifts of the season

As a follow-up to the previous blog about the 12 drummers, it was probably no coincidence that after I posted it and went out in search of a few last-minute gifts, one of the songs mentioned was playing on the radio. As I listened to "The Little Drummer Boy" the message really struck a chord...

"I have no gift to bring...that's fit to give our King...I played my best for him...and then he smiled at me..." Sometimes we forget, but often it is the most simple gift that brings the greatest joy.


Including the gifts of love and laughter which should be shared abundantly!

Day 12: Marching to the beat of a different drummer

Whew! We made it! With the 11 pipers piping now we've got some music! Even the BIRDS are rockin' around the Christmas tree! Favorite 12 drummers in no particular order:

The Little Drummer Boy - parumpumpumpum
Ringo Starr (Beatles)
Alan White (YES)
John Bonham (Led Zeppelin) - BEST ROCK DRUMMER
Buddy Rich - BEST JAZZ DRUMMER
Max Weinberg (Late Night with Conan O'Brien)
Tommy Lee (Motley Crue)
Steel drum music - ANY
Don Henley (The Eagles)
Nick Manson (Pink Floyd)
Robert Johnson (KC and the Sunshine Band)...shake your booty!
Ian Paice (Deep Purple)
Tyler Stewart (Barenaked Ladies)

That last one reminds me: I get REALLY confused by the names of bands. And so did a nice Granny trying to do her holiday shopping. Here is the script of a sketch I wrote that was produced on stage in Atlanta by the great folks at Sketchworks!


MUSIC SHOPPING: by Michele Ryan
INT - A music store. There is a rack of CD's, and a couple of sets of headphones to listen to CD's. Granny, sporting a cardigan sweater, enters store carrying a large pocketbook and is holding a piece of paper. She is greeted by clerk with baggy pants (boxers showing) and a t-shirt depicting a rock band on it. Music is playing.

CLERK: Yo, welcome to Music Megastore. Like, can I help you find anything?

GRANNY: Yes, I mean "yo" young man, you certainly can. I need to buy a birthday gift for my grandson and don't know what kind of music is groovy, I mean hip.

CLERK: I see you have a list. Maybe we can start there.

GRANNY: Yes, Jimmy wants something by M and M.

CLERK: Here, put these on and listen to the CD.

Granny puts on headphones. Loud music initially startles her, but then she starts bobbing her head and tapping her toe to the music. Suddenly gets shocked look on her face.

GRANNY: (shouting over song) What did they just say? Someone should wash his mouth out with soap!

Granny removes headphones.

GRANNY: Those dancing ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />California raisins back in the 80's didn't cuss! Mercy, I didn't expect this from colorful hard-shelled candies.


CLERK: It's not the M&M's, it's Eminem, the white dude who sings rap. Maybe you need something a little more tame.

Granny picks up a CD.

GRANNY: Nelly, that's a nice name. I bet she doesn't have a potty mouth. When I was a little girl I named my horse Nelly.

CLERK: I'm cool with that. Maybe you'll like this song.

Clerk hands Granny headphones. She puts them on and starts dancing.

Granny: (starts singing loudly) It's getting hot in here (mumbles)...I am gettin' so hot, I wanna take my clothes off.

Starts to peel off sweater, shimmy, then looks embarrassed and stops. Takes off headphones.

GRANNY: That's a cute song. Is it by that group Buck Nekkid Women?

CLERK: No, that was Nelly's CD. And the other group is Bare Naked Ladies.

GRANNY: Well, performing with no clothing doesn't sound very ladylike!

CLERK: Actually, the group is made up of guys, and they're dressed.

GRANNY: Dressed like women?

CLERK: No, like men. Let's take a look at what else is on your list.

GRANNY: Has Lil' Bow Wow released anything since "Who Let the Dogs Out?"

CLERK: He's just Bow Wow now, and that song was by the Baha Men.

Granny quickly picks up another CD and smiles.

GRANNY: Geezer...now that sounds like music for us senior citizens.

CLERK: No, that's Weezer.

GRANNY: Oh, do they have asthma?

CLERK: No, it's just the name of the band.

GRANNY: This is getting too confusing! All that cussing, men who want to be women, barking bahama men...I think I'll just take a few of the bargain CD's you have (points to rack). What a steal at 50 Cents.

CLERK: I'm sorry ma'am, that's the name of the artist. Fifty Cent.

GRANNY: Well, young man, you've been very helpful. (glances at Clerk's boxers) I think I'll go buy Jimmy a belt so his trousers don't sag as badly as yours do.

Granny goes out door and alarm sounds. She is stopped by a security guard. Security guard looks in Granny's purse and begins pulling out CD's.

SECURITY GUARD: Ma'am, you seem like a nice little old lady. Why did you take all these CD's?

GRANNY: Listen young man, just because I'm a senior citizen doesn't mean I can't get my freak on. Aren't you going to frisk me, baby?

It's almost here...Day 12 (pa rum pum pum pum)

This afternoon I attended a holiday party with my co-workers. It was very festive. Fun friends, great food and a glass that kept mysteriously getting refilled with wine!

That makes for some creative writing...which is happening now...hmmm, is that pounding in my head an early hangover or perhaps some DRUM music?



CHECK BACK SOON FOR ANOTHER ROCKIN' BLOG!

The 11th Day of Christmas: The gift of MUSIC!

On the 11th Day of Christmas...HOLD ON A MINUTE!

This seems out of sequence... If the pipers showed up BEFORE the gifts on Day 9 showed up...then they wouldn't have been dancing without music...until I put on the Disco Diva CD. I now feel partially responsible for corrupting some nice "ladies".

Well today we have "pipers"...decendants of Peter Piper who picked a peck of pickled peppers? Or the Pied Piper? Not likely because they brought no food...but what kind of pipes?

A flute-like instrument is usually depicted, but I think it would be WAY more fun with THESE:

Day 10: A Leap of Faith

10 Lords A-leaping. Well FINALLY my true love was trying to balance the gender gap. What? They're not all for ME (see Day 7 BLOG)? Okay, the 9 ladies dancing are taken care of, then the 8 maids-a-milking can fight over the 10th guy. What I want to know is why are these lords leaping? Perhaps it's an inconspicuous way to get rid of a wedgie?

No,let's revisit Modern Mother Goose and a dude named Jack. He HAD to be nimble and quick because he was JUMPING (a more vigorous version of a leap) over a candlestick. Much more plausible than a cow jumping over the moon (see Day 8 BLOG), but if he's not careful he'll be singing THIS Christmas carol: Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...

On the 9th Day: Dancing with the Stars?

COME ON SING ALONG..."On the 9th Day of Christmas my true love gave to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......"

9 Ladies Dancing? HUH? This was NOT a wise gift choice because my true love KNOWS I'm a reformed ex-disco hussy. If I ever hear "Shake Your Booty" (or any K.C. and the Sunshine Band hit) I'll be back in treatment...

YEAH, stare at this thing long enough and you'll be hypnotized, which explains a lot of bad behavior of the 1970's...



With 3 days left of the gift-giving season, here's a recap. Thankfully this morning I went to Costco and stocked up on snacks, wine and BIRD FOOD because in my house/on my property are:

17 women
8 cows (fine this wasn't in the song but is implied from Day 8)
5 rings with bling
23 assorted birds and and undetermined amount of eggs (from the geese)
a pear tree

I can't WAIT for Day 10...

Christmas Day 8: A mooooooving experience...

GREAT! I finally become accustomed to gifts with feathers and NOW instead of cooing I'm hearing...MOOING? Gee thanks, honey...8 Maids A-milking. Milking what? Cows? Hello!!! My subdivision has protective covenants that will NOT allow any animals of a barnyard species on the premises.

This reminds me of a few days ago when I posted the 'Modern Mother Goose' audio comedy. As a child I questioned how a cow could get so high it could jump over the moon. Here's an explanation based on a Seriously Weird! news report:



INT - Press Conference. There are 2 reporters, each holding a pad of paper and pen, a National Dairy Council spokesperson behind a podium with a microphone, Russian farmer, and a screen where various 'studies' will be shown.....

SPOKESPERSON:
Good afternoon. With the recent concern about Mad Cow Disease, we at the National Dairy Council are pleased to inform you that this issue is HIGH on our list.

REPORTER 1:
How close is Mad Cow to becoming an epidemic?

SPOKESPERSON:
If left unchecked, gangs of menacing bovine could...

Points to picture on screen of 'mad' cows (have weapons and look generally menacing). ....

COW V.O.:
Yo. We are cows and we are really pissed off. Mooooo Mutha-f (cut).

SPOKESPERSON:
As you can see, it's quite serious. In an effort to spare senseless violence among cows as well as to keep public health safety at the forefront, we are taking immediate action to WEED out these mad cows.

REPORTER 2:
What does the National Dairy council have in mind?

SPOKESPERSON:
Let me introduce the brains behind this moooo-vement who will explain how we're turning mad cows into happy ones.

RUSSIAN FARMER:
The winter after we fed our cows confiscated marijuana, we discovered they became much more mellow.

Points to picture on screen of several cows. One has Bob Marley braids, the other has a joint hanging out of its mouth. ....

COW V.O.:
Moooo, man, I like grazin' in the grass.

REPORTER:
Have you thought about what effects do you think this will have on the consumer?

RUSSIAN FARMER:
No, we didn't really think about what would happen, but...

SPOKESPERSON:
(interrupts). There is no reason for concern. We performed similar controlled experiments on our own cows and consumers.

Run film: Kids come through door, race towards kitchen table and chase each other around it, shrieking.....

MOM:
Did you children have a nice day?

JIMMY:
(hyper) Hey mom, we're home. Haha but you already knew that boy did I have fun at school I disrupted my math class and threw a calculator at my teacher but she didn't know it was me so I didn't get a detention...

SUZIE:
(also hyper) I had so much fun at school we got to read a story but it was really dumb then I smacked Sally because she liked the story and at lunch I ....

MOM:
How about some milk and cookies?

Mother pours 2 glasses of milk and sets out a plate containing a small portion of cookies. Jimmy and Suzie gulp down their milk, then become VERY relaxed.

JIMMY:
Wow, mom, this is really good milk. It's like so white and everything.

SUZIE:
Hey, dude, I've got the munchies, do you have any more cookies?

Cut back to press conference. ....

REPORTER:
I cannot believe you would endanger the public in this manner! Isn't there something else that won't have potential side effects?

SPOKESPERSON:
We did have an experiment in the 90s with farmers in ....Wisconsin.... who claim there is another way to calm the cows...

In the background we hear Mozart's 'Andante for Flute and Orchestra.'....

COW V.O.:
Actually, we responded better to moooovement in D minor.

On the 7th Day...I GIVE UP!

Okay, so my 'true love' has bird festish. FINE! I give up. I'll take the 7 swans a swimming. They're actually quite beautiful and graceful.

Unlike the this cumbersome creature. Yet that doesn't stop it from getting a whole lotta true love!



Check out my ReverbNation player (from the sample of audio and video comedy clips) for a touching tale of holiday romance!

Indiegrrl Fest Jonica Gap Announces Performer Lineup

Indiegrrl Fest Jonica Gap located in Mineral Bluff, GA at Jonica Gap Campground is scheduled for June 19 & 20, 2009. This event is for EVERYONE and a great time to plan your first vacation with children getting out of school. Fun daily activities, arts & crafts vendors, and lots of live music and comedy with some of our featured Indiegrrl Women in the Arts members. Performers are Karen Reynolds from Knoxville, TN, Hollin Gammage from Atlanta, GA, Renee Mixon from Rome, GA, Eva Gael from Charlotte, NC, Leslie Berry from Spartanburg, SC, Vicki Blankenship & The Posse Band from Martinsville, VA & Atlanta, GA, Carey Colvin & Granger Helvey from Chester, VA, Broda from Farmville, VA, Rosary from Jacksonville, FL and Atlanta, GA, Comedian Michelle Thomas from Atlanta, GA, and Comedian Shelly Ryan from Atlanta, GA.



Visit the Jonica Gap Campground website at http://jonicagapcampground. com to purchase your advance tickets and to reserve your camping spots. Limited electric sites for small pop up campers and RVs. Reservations are recommended. Credit card payments will be taken over the phone by calling 706-374-5465 Adult full festival pass costs $45 and includes Friday and Saturday night camping. Tickets for children 6 to 15 years old are $20 and children 5 and under are FREE. One day camping available and also day passes that do not include camping are available. Pets are welcome but must be approved with Jonica Gap Campground in advance and pet owners must abide by all campground rules keeping pets on a leash and cleaning up after them.

Is it Day 6 already?

Okay, I thought we were DONE with the birds.

Six Geese a-laying? Why does my true love bring me gifts that have sexual connotations? Or is it only my mildly naughty mind? Bad enough the 2 turtle doves cooing then the 3 French Hens...so would this be a double menage a trois or simply a goose orgy?

No, I'm not that stupid...of course I know the reference is they're laying eggs, which means MORE geese and subsequently MORE droppings everywhere.

My friend lives on a cul-de-sac that's near a pond in our neighborhood. The boys USED to go there to play street hockey, until these bad-ass geese took over the turf. Gang wars? No, the boys surrendered when the road became a slippery rink of goose glop.

Worse yet was when the goslings arrived. Have you ever walked within 100 feet of a mama goose? She'll chase you, do this funky thing with her neck like "don't you mess with my babies" and make an evil hissing noise that makes some horror movies look tame!

Movies like "The Omen", which was an eerie theme when that same friend was due a visit from her mother-in-law. Moments before her arrival, just as window cleaners were making the last pane sparkle, they reported "Ma'am, you have a dead goose in your yard." She distracted Mum with a gin and tonic while her husband hauled the body into the woods.

This situation prompted me to upload another track from my CD, Shelly Ryan: Seriously Weird! This retro blast to the past discusses great childhood literature. MY favorite author: Mother Goose! Listen...and laugh happily ever after!

A Christmas Goose?

NO...my true love did not bring me a children's storybook. But as a child I always questioned the validity of facts.
Have YOU ever seen a cow actually jump? Has your silverware been training for a marathon?

CLICK HERE TO EXPERIENCE A PARODY OF CHILDREN'S LITERATURE

What's with your sheep, Peep? Maybe you'll find them in Mary's pasture. Enjoy this "retro blast from the past" track from the Shelly Ryan: Seriously Weird! CD, including the first documented sexual harrassment case (Muffet vs. Spider) and why a certain Mr. Winkie got his nickname.

The 5th Day of Christmas...BLING?

Well finally, bird brain redeemed himself, but to a rather excessive amount. FIVE gold rings? Most women would not complain...but I'm not 'most' women. While most other "desperate housewives" are begging for more bling, my tastes are simple and practical.

That takes me back to my childhood. As a young girl growing up in the 1960's not only were we supposed to be virtuous like our fairy tale princess role models, we were also supposed to one day blossom into domestic goddesses like Betty Crocker.

Which is why I asked for an Easy Bake Oven.

But alas, Santa brought me Barbie, who didn't have to cook because Ken took her out for dinner all the time on account of the fact he wanted to be seen in the company of a woman with disproportionately large breasts. She also got a dream house...and BLING!

As I quickly blitzed through puberty and was fortunate I left enough money under my pillow for the Booby Fairy to be quite generous, I probably didn't focus enough on school. Especially Home Economics, which if I consulted my report cards I think I FLUNKED!

AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR: CD Baby where available for immediate shipment is Shelly Ryan: Seriously Weird! A retro blast to the past that will leave you laughing happily ever after!

So fast forward to 2008. I'm no longer making excuses...blaming my childhood or the fact Martha Stewart got all my domestic genes. NO! Because this year for Christmas I finally got my wish. A BRAND NEW OVEN! Thanks Santa...ha ha ha...it's about time!

NAUGHTY OR NICE? Day 4...

I've always believed it is better to give than receive, and that when you give you get back tenfold...or in THIS case (according to my statistician) 20 fold!

"Just went to your site and took note to the fact you have 2 more hits on Panty Raid. It now surpasses Grand Theft Panty by 20 hits." It is comforting to know I have a lot of friends visiting MY MYSPACE PROFILE whose minds are also on the NAUGHTY side.

Maybe if my true love took a hint and bought me something NICE from Victoria's Secret, like lingerie with FEATHERS...then I could resemble the gift I got on the 4th Day of Christmas!!!

AAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Was it four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie? That would be one nasty and BIG pie!

NO! It was four 'calling' birds. Who are they going to call? The French hens and say, "Bonjour?" And how do they place a call? Peck at the keys with their beak? Do they download chirping ringtones which if they could use MySpace could probably get for FREE!

Did you hear what I heard?

Last night was a carbon copy of ALMOST EXACTLY TO THE DATE two years ago. My son came out of his room clad only in plaid boxer shorts and a mildy confused look on his face, leaned over the upstairs railing and asked, "Mom, did you hear that?"

Long story short, but in December 2006 my Christmas gift was the trained professionals from Rid-A-Critter ridding my attic of flying squirrels, which we THOUGHT were chipmunks because my son boldly went up there clad only in plaid boxer shorts and armed with a flashlight after hearing noises.


"No, I didn't hear anything" I reported. But moments after I hit the mute button on the TV remote I heard the most hideous sound coming from my back yard...which sent my mind into "what the hell is that?" mode with the following logical options:

1) Possums being brutally tortured
2) Possums in heat
3) Possums doing the wild thing...

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO THE AUDIO COMEDY 'HOT HEDGEHOGS IN LOVE' where I advised: "The next time you hear noises in YOUR garden late at night, do what these voyeurs did. Grab a flashlight and go investigate!" NO DON'T GO INTO THE GARDEN...

And if you can't get enough critter comedy love, click on my widget player here and VISIT MY REVERBNATION SITE!

Menage a trois? On the 3rd Day of Christmas...

True LOVE? How about true IMBECILE! Well he managed to return the two turtle doves but must have decided the "buy two get one free" deal on poultry was too good to pass up.

"Ooh la la, mon cherie, but zees are French hens". OKAY WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ABOUT NO BIRDS? Faking an accent, despite it's in the 'romance language' category is NOT going to work!

And now a word from our sponsor: International Coffee Fantasy:

FADE IN

INT. KITCHEN – DAY

MICHELE and KATHY are seated at MICHELE'S kitchen table on which we see two coffee cups. KATHY picks up her cup and takes a sip of coffee.

KATHY:
Wow! This is really good coffee.

MICHELE:
Merci. Does it (sighs) remind you of anything? (gets a dreamy look in her eyes)

KATHY:
Well, now that you mention it, it reminds me I'm almost out of coffee filters. As long as I'm going to The Warehouse of Oversized Items Club so I can stock up on mass quantities of food and random stuff I'll never use up in my lifetime, I'll guess I'll buy a case. You need any?

MICHELE:
No...what about that college trip we took to Europe?

KATHY:
Yeah, (chuckles) we had to drink a lot of coffee to sober us up because we sure sampled a lot of wine.

MICHELE reaches off camera then holds up a coffee canister that has a graphic of the Eiffel Tower. The label reads "International Coffee Fantasy: Paris Pleasure"

KATHY:
Ooh la la! I remember I was so hungover I puked from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

MICHELE:
I remember (breathlessly) Henri!

KATHY:
That waiter? Wasn't he the dude who did that funky Marcel Marceau merde?

MICHELE:
Oui, mon ami!

KATHY:
Well, Henri was pretty cute but he was SO gay!

MICHELE:
I don't think so!

KATHY:
How do you know? Oh no...you didn't…

MICHELE:
(orgasmic) YES…HENRI! Who needs coffee when you be left speechless by a mime?

MALE V.O.:
International Coffee Fantasy. When you crave something more than caffeine.

FADE OUT

On the 2nd Day of Christmas...my true love started to annoy me!

HELLO!!!!! What did we not understand about the "no bird" policy? Yeah, I guess they're cute...okay baby, maybe you're right, it is a little romantic...they're cooing and you're...YOU'RE cooing TOO? That's kinky...'birdie style?'...come on...stop...

NO! I mean stop THEM so I don't end up with more than TWO freakin' turtle doves! Excuse me? No, watching a couple of birds going at it does NOT get me in the mood!

After that bizarre little holiday interlude on Day 2, I suggested my true love fly the coop and take the birds with him. He muttered something about the pet shop's return policy...

On the First Day of Christmas...

My true love gave to me...?????

What is this? A partridge? In a pear tree? Oh, you shouldn't have. NO, really, I mean it! Nice try...if the guy wants to be an EX true love! Dude, did you think maybe the bird should be in a CAGE? So it doesn't fly around and poop everywhere? And when they're in a cage they're still messy, not to mention NOISY!

Okay, so I'll give him credit for trying and give him another chance: unlike the man in the audio comedy entitled "Huevos" (click this link to listen) who tried to smuggle something exciting in his pants to give to HIS true love! Hopefully this will influence the gift-buying decision for Day Two...

Your true love,
Shelly

Sing-along with Shelly!

In addition to receiving the gift of laughter at MY MYSPACE PROFILE , I invite you to sign up for my mailing list at ReverbNation where you will get delivered directly to your inbox ALL updates...and since I'm doing a Countdown to the Seriously Weird! 12 days of Christmas there will be a lot of holiday humor!

EXCEPT I WILL HAVE TO UPLOAD ANY AUDIO COMEDIES TO MYSPACE otherwise I'll sound like these little musical dudes: CLICK HERE FOR A FUN HOLIDAY SING-ALONG!

On your mark, get set...

HAHA! I bet you thought this was going to be an announcement about "The Great Panty Race", the contest that's going on between 2 of my audio comedies at MySpace for number of views. NOOOOOOOOOO...

This is a Countdown to the Seriously Weird! 12 Days of Christmas! Earlier I posted a message asking you to share the gift of laughter because it truly does help relieve stress...

Like today when I was sitting in traffic with rude, stressed-out holiday shoppers. Everybody knows the lyrics to the traditional 12 Days of Christmas, except I can never remember how many lords are leaping.


But that gave me a great idea:

Every day until Christmas I will post a blog, bulletin and possibly an audio or video comedy of mine or something related to share as much comedy love with you during this holiday season.


So get ready to laugh...and sing along if you wish, but PLEASE SHARE THIS GIFT WITH YOUR LOVED ONES!!!

Give the gift of LAUGHTER this holiday season

With the holiday season fast approaching, a popular gift item is board games. If you've ever been beaten at Candyland by a 4 year old because they're a LITTLE CHEATER or had so many kids in the Game of Life that they won't fit in the little plastic car, you'll enjoy this FREE track from the Shelly Ryan: Seriously Weird! CD. Follow this link to my MySpace page

The album is IN STOCK AND AVAILABLE FOR IMMEDIATE SHIPMENT at CD Baby for $10 (and a 10% discount if you purchase more than one copy). Why not give the gift of laughter for the holidays? Go to MY PAGE AT CD BABY. On the cover is a cute little girl who got the Mystery Date game for Christmas and wonders what it would be like to morph it with Jumanji!

The Hopeful Princess CD fights the bad dragon of cancer!

Momentum Productions is excited to announce we're getting ready to do some BIG things with a little project; the first one we produced and released:

The Hopeful Princess: A read-along story
Songs: Children's Smile
Subway
Battle Theme
Children's Smile Variation 2
Bonus: video track in Quicktime format - a Children's Smile performance

Once upon a time there was a little girl who loved to write and tell stories, and in a kingdom very far away lived a little boy who loved to play the guitar. When these two artists met in 2006 they discovered a common purpose: to make the world a better place by sharing their respective talents. As they began their journey, they discovered the power of collaborating! Along the way in yet another kingdom they met Vicki Blankenship, founder of Indie Music For Life: a non profit organization raising money for cancer research and awareness through the involvement of Indie artists performing at benefit concerts and through compilation CDs. When Michele learned that Vicki was working on an educational awareness program for music and laughter as therapy to cancer patients, she felt inspired to write a fairy tale for children with a castle and brave knight. She asked Fede if he would share his music to accompany her story, and he immediately began composing songs for the "noble project." The first version of our tale began with a fictional child, but we were blessed to have a real life inspiration: a brave princess who is battling a rare brain tumor. Our pupose for this CD: to raise money so Sophia and ALL children can fight the bad dragon of cancer, to give comfort and bring a smile to their face...with the great hope they will live happily ever after!

Written & narrated by Michele Ryan
Music, sound editing & video by Federico Fasce
Art & cover design by Antonella Scotto
CD design & packaging layout by Vicki Blankenship
Copyright 2007 Indie Music For Life
Produced by www.spottedkivaproductions.com.


This CD is one of the many items that we want to distribute in packages to give out for free to pediatric cancer patients as well as make available for wide-spread distribution and purchase. We are in the process of developing partnerships and sponsorships to make our hope a reality.

Cancer will overtake heart disease as the world's top killer by 2010. You can help make a difference by joining our team of brave knights. Please consider buying a CD ($10) or helping in any other way you can. Visit our site at www.myspace.com/momentumproductionsgroup or send a message to: momentumproductionsgroup@yahoo.com.

Born to be...LOST?

After posting the show schedule for upcoming Indiegrrl events, I share this blog from the Indie Laughs for Life profile about last year's adventure. Maybe Santa should bring me a GPS for Christmas? NO WAY!

September 19, 2007

Born to be lost: Part I
Current mood:Lost
Category: Travel and Places

My inner lyricist wants to rewrite the Steppenwolf song 'Born to be Wild'. But first a word from our sponsor: Mapquest...whose tagline should be 'Don't believe everything we tell you.' Both attempts to get to an Indie Music for Life event have resulted in some midguided directions.

The first time was trying to get to Blackstock Winery in Dahlonega, GA last November. Nobody could find the right turn onto Frog Hollow Road because it DID NOT EXIST. Good news for the frogs.

This time I made it all the way into North Carolina and by my estimate was less than an hour away from my destination. The exit from the Interstate was clearly marked...but that's when things started to get murky. Okay, I don't entirely blame these online navigational services because the people who design our infrastructure must have a sadistic streak. Case in point: roads that change names several times for no apparent reason and with no warning.

I'll spare the details of which roads I should/should not have been on. Let's just say it was dark and I was lost in the middle of nowhere. Although I think I was more a bit to the northeast of nowhere. Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light...NO it wasn't the Hotel California...it was a REALLY small gas station but it appeared to be open.

Nothing says 'Y'all ain't from 'round here, are ya?' faster than Cobb County, GA license plates on a mid-sized SUV and a woman with a Vera Bradley purse clutching a piece of paper with the big friggin' MAPQUEST logo on it. But I knew country folk are good people, much like Floyd the Barber of Mayberry.

(NOTE TO SELF: After I write the lyrics for Born to Be Lost compose opera entitled 'The Barber of Mayberry').

But the man behind the counter was right friendly...considering he had two, possibly three of his own teeth and smelled horridly of chewing tobacco. When I told him what road I was TRYING to locate, he pointed in various directions and I think told me to take a right turn after the squashed possum in the road. But I DID get to Highway 65...

...except I didn't know whether to go East or West because my directions told me to 'merge' northbound and mentioned nothing about the possum.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Today is "Do It For Sophia" Day. PLEASE JOIN US!

A little over a year ago Momentum Productions produced The Hopeful Princess: a read-along story CD written and narrated by Michele Ryan with music and bonus tracks by Federico Fasce to give hope to children who battle the bad dragon of cancer! Our real life inspiration was Sophia...

Sophia is a vibrant four year old who is currently suffering from the ravages of a brain tumor. She and her family have endured countless setbacks over the last year and a half, not to mention the 4+ brain surgeries.


Sophia recently lost her hearing due to the tumor continuing to grow. The doctors have given her all the chemo and all the radiation that they can, and they have even performed a stem cell rescue on her. Even after all this, Sophia continues to smile and play. She continues to fight.


This event is being scheduled for people to do something for other people, during this holiday season, in honor of precious Sophia. Make someone smile. Bring them a coffee in the morning. Do something for them unexpectedly. Just try to make them smile.


Also, on this day, Friday December 5th, at 12:00 p.m., wherever you are, whatever you are doing, please stop and say a quick prayer for Sophia, her dad Wayne, her mom Shirley, and her baby sister Fiona.
Thanks for your help!

TODAY TO DO SOMETHING FOR OTHER PEOPLE DURING THIS HOLIDAY SEASON WE ARE CONTACTING CHILDREN'S HOSPITALS AND AFFILIATED RESEARCH FACILITIES ACROSS THE NATION...and with a brave team of knights are determined to raise awareness and funds for this noble cause!

Please visit our profile at http://www.myspace.com/momentumproductionsgroup for more information about how you can help us on our quest to battle the bad dragon of cancer.

The Art of Seduction

Last week it was the Amorous Arachnids -- a new Seriously Weird! news report at ReverbNation about finding romance on "the web"...

Listen to the first comedy on the player posted here and enjoy this week's lesson in love. And here's a little quiz... "Pollinate Me, Baby" is:

1) A really bad pick-up line used in singles bars
2) A new MySpace/Facebook application
3) THE AUDIO COMEDY THAT'S PLAYING RIGHT NOW about wasps, flowers and the art of seduction

And if you love the comedy love, POLLINATE YOUR FRIENDS by posting a banner, widget or emailing a tunepak!

Holiday Tradition: The Cussing of the Lights

It was back in September...I was already drenched in the holiday spirit. What holiday? Columbus Day? Halloween? No, Christmas! Okay, I can understand if you're embarking on a major arts and crafts project, such as stitching a needlepoint stocking to hang on the mantel with care, but WHO in their right mind, for example, is going to start buying strands of lights this early in the game? This year, that would be our family.

My concern about purchasing holiday goodies so early is that I'll forget where I put them. I made that mistake one year with oodles of Christmas presents I bought in JUNE while we were on a cruise. Much like a squirrel stashing away nuts for winter, I forgot where I buried the gifts. Plus I have enough of a stockpile of greeting cards that one day I'll remember I bought a case of them at the "after holiday sale." Having such a plentiful supply will come in handy if I suddenly acquire a large number of new friends…perhaps the entire population of a small Caribbean Island.

Last year we finally tossed out the lights that could not be resurrected. Every year it was the same situation...we'd unpack the random boxes of lights and start plugging them in, only to discover we hadn't labeled the box "dead lights." Sure, one day in our free time we would sit in front of the television, fiddle with the 100 individual bulbs on about a dozen strands and perhaps give them hope for a bright future. Not!

So we're packrats. At least we have the good sense to give each strand a test-plug BEFORE we begin adorning the outdoor bushes. My neighbor shared a fun family tradition, "The Cussing of the Lights." This is what happens when you painstakingly strand to perfection before you test. Nothing fills one's heart with the holiday spirit more than expletives spewing from the mouth of a husband who's holding an extension cord in one hand and a beer in the other.

While some of our neighbors pay several hundreds of dollars to have a licensed and insured company come to their home and string the lights for them and end up with quite an impressive display, we still make our annual pilgrimage to Lake Lanier Islands to see what must be the equivalent of enough electrical output to illuminate an entire small Caribbean Island (even with all the blenders for tropical drinks running simultaneously).

One year we broke the tradition and trekked to an alleged wondrous display closer to home. After we waited in line for about as long as it would have taken us to drive to Lake Lanier, the most impressive display of lights we saw was the tail/brake lights of the SUV in front of us. We even tried to enliven the moment by playing our favorite Christmas CD. The festive music was drowned out by the children in the back seat giving their own commentary, "This stinks, can we just go home and watch our OWN lights short out?"

This comment was in reference to our illuminated reindeer that suffered from a series of issues throughout the season. We went with modest versus ostentatious with our ornamentation, so the "display" consists of two smaller lawn adornments: a doe that appears to be grazing and a buck with head upright. We did not collect the entire jumbo set, nor do the heads on these animals move.

Mr. Buck must have needed some male enhancement medication, as when we plugged him in his back end wouldn't light up. Soon thereafter we experienced what only can be described as a miraculous healing. There was no logical explanation to why his entire body was lit up.

There were also no witnesses, nor would anyone fess up to how our reindeer got into an amorous position. May your days be merry and bright!

Nice Giblets, Baby!

Admit it, do you ever get that urge to break tradition? It’s been the same thing year after year: turkey, stuffing (prepackaged or homemade and subsequently cubed versus crumbed), mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberries (whole or jellied), sweet potatoes (with or without marshmallows), a couple of vegetables, and a lovely assortment of pies. As much as we embrace ritual, every once in a while I wonder, “What would the family do if I served burgers for Thanksgiving?”

One year we got a “this is your life” perspective on video including the meal preparation, everyone stuffing their faces, then sprawling on the sofa moaning, “I ate too much.” Many of the out-takes could be eligible for one of those funny video shows, my favorite being my aunt’s German Shepherd licking the top of the apple pie for good luck.

Too bad we captured no footage of the first year I lived on my own and graciously offered to host Thanksgiving dinner. This was my chance to prove that even though I flunked Home Economics, by golly I could cook. I woke up very early in the morning and set the turkey on the counter. Thankfully I had my helpful mother on the phone guiding me through each step. “Yeah, the wrapper’s off, uh huh, it’s thawed. You want me to stick my hand WHERE? No way, YOU come over here and do it!”

Okay, so the turkey’s dead, but I felt like I was violating the poor thing. Brilliant packaging engineers go to great lengths to take all the innards OUT of the bird, so why do they stick them back inside? Some guys at the Turkeys ‘R Us manufacturing plant were bored one day, or perhaps had been driven insane be the constant sound of gobbling, when the following discussion ensued:
1st guy: Wow, this stuff is really nasty looking, what is it?
2nd guy: It’s the liver, neck, and giblets.
1st guy: What the heck’s a “giblet?”
2nd guy: I don’t know.
3rd guy: Hey, I have a brilliant idea, why don’t we take this stuff, wrap it in a little bag, and shove it up the turkey’s backside so we can irritate folks during what’s supposed to be a warm family time?

They thought they could succeed with this evil plot, but NOOOO, some twisted culinary geniuses just had to go and get creative on us. “Aren’t you going to prepare giblet gravy?” Not until I know what a “giblet” is!

Our family ritual is probably much like that of many other families. We get up in the morning, realize we bought the turkey slightly too late so we have to thaw it in cold water. Meanwhile, we watch the parade, oohing and ahhing over the large balloons that take a cast of hundreds to tether.

Do you ever wonder, “Did the Pilgrims do this?” Of course not, because they didn’t have television with an overabundance of bowl games. What did they do while the turkey was cooking? Admire one another’s funky hats and shoes? Were the kids just as nasty? “No, it’s your turn to set the table, dorkwad!”

Did the young women get initiated into domestic goddess hood in a similar fashion? I thought I had it bad just sticking my hand in the turkey’s “body cavity.” They had to remove giblets not neatly packaged in a bag. And how did they know when the bird was fully cooked as they did not have the modern invention of that little timer that pops out at supposedly just the right moment? There was no bickering over whole or jellied cranberries. However, they had to pick their own cranberries from a bog. I have never visited a bog, but I envision a rather nasty, mucky place. I’d much rather open a can.

At least they didn’t have to ponder the age-old question “Stovetop stuffing or mashed potatoes?”

Supporting Women in the Arts

As a member of Indiegrrl, I share this and encourage all women, no matter how you express your art form, to join this incredible community!

The arts work together as a whole. Visual art, dance, music, comedy, music production, theater, radio and film all compliment each other and merge together in various aspects. Women in these industries need a way to network together, work together, ask for and give support and advice and help build each others careers. Indie means much more than independent songwriters. Indie means Independence to take your career where you want it to go. It is in this independence that a community of professional women need to circle around each other and give and offer support and work together on projects. ~ Vicki Blankenship

FOR MORE INFORMATION OR TO BECOME A MEMBER OF THIS DYNAMIC ORGANIZATION, visit www.indiegrrl.com.

Got the fairy tale princess blues...

Sometimes I feel compelled to break out into spontaneous song. Today is one of those days!

The premise of my first CD SHELLY RYAN: Seriously Weird! is a retro blast to the past that leaves audiences laughing happily ever after. It begins as all fairy tales do...ONCE UPON A TIME...and reveals how a young girl growing up in the 1960's was influenced by the popular role model of the naive fairy tale princess.

So today is my Snow White day. Okay, so the "dwarfs" are my son and a multitude of his friends, all of whom are far from vertically challenged. They're cool...and have enough respect not to greet me as "Hi, HO!"

IT'S THE FRICKIN' CRITTERS...How did Snow White put up with that little bird that flitted about. My issue is not with bird poop in my hair, but the woodpecker that WILL not leave my front porch. This MUST be an omen...no wait...that was the Raven...never MIND!

But wait: THERE'S MORE: the bird's trusty sidekick Mr. Chipmunk who seems to have burrowed a HUGE tunnel underneath my front porch. SHOO SHOO GO AWAY ALVIN!

I'm rewriting this happy flora and fauna story and probably should replace the often-depicted deer with something more indigent to the South: the possum!

A Seriously Weird! Week

Whenever things get wacky in my world and I ask WHY? the answer is often in the stars. I don't get obsessed checking my daily horoscope but am intruiged by overall themes like the impact planetary configurations can have on our life. If it wasn't for that excuse, the best explanation I could come up with is the whole world is simply going freakin' looney.

This past week was a double whammy with the Full Moon AND the fact that Mercury, the planet that rules communication, was in retrograde (going backwards). So THAT explains it a little better than my standard joke about ANOTHER planet, as in "Hey, what's the deal with Uranus". Because it seemed a lot of people had their head up their butt!!!

And that is why I'm thankful for my sense of humor, not only for my own sanity but to help friends endure equal (and oftentimes worse) insanity. It's been a while since I've perused the unusual goings-on in our world, but not counting the political scene in the USA, I can only imagine it's been a weird news week.

On that note, I am excited to announce I'm working on production of my second comedy CD, which will be a compilation of Seriously Weird! news reports that fans the world over have come to know and love (or scratch their head while wondering if I'm making this stuff up). Examples can be found on MySpace, ReverbNation and YouTube. Stop by and get some comedy love!

Update on Sophia: The Hopeful Princess

I'm reposting this blog from Peggie Hoskins. Sophia Langford is the inspiration for a project of Momentum Productions, The Hopeful Princess CD; a read-along story with bonus music tracks about children who fight the bad dragon of cancer (available at INDIE MUSIC FOR LIFE). She may have lost the physical battle, but Sophia's spirit will prevail in those whose lives she touched!

SOPHIA WILL BE GAINING HER ANGEL WINGS

I have found out today that we are going to lose our dear sweet little baby girl Sophia. She has fought a long 2 yr battle with brain cancer. She has dealt with more at age 2 than most of use will deal with in a lifetime. She is the strongest and bravest little girl I know. I am blinded by tears as I type this. I am lost. I don't know what to say. I am lost. I was hoping and praying for a miracle. Making daily wishes for mercy upon this child. I am devasted.

Sophia is the daughter of my long time friend and musician Wayne Langford. I can not even fathom what he & Shirley and the rest of the family must be feeling at this moment. Please pray for all of us for strength and for mercy as Sophia lives out the rest of her life. Please pray for her family as they face this devastation. I pray that God will have mercy and spare her as much pain as possible. She has been given several weeks/months to live at the most.

Thank you all who have followed Sophia's journey and have loved her. Thank you for your prayers and good wishes. On behalf of her family.....simply...THANK YOU. I believe we can all agree that our lives will never be the same without her and those of us who have been blessed to know her will be forever grateful for the time that we did have with her. Sophia we love you and will never forget you.

BREAK SOME RULES WITH ME!

Another HUGE thanks to Ang of RadioNC (www.radionc.com) for having me on her show last night. The interview was a blast because she's a fun and energetic hostess! The chat room was ROCKIN'!

My MySpace (www.myspace.com/shellyryan) motto, since Day One has been "If You Obey All The Rules You Miss All The Fun." Okay, so I'm not the kinkiest person in this virtual world of networking, but with recent popular audio comedies that prompted me to invite fans to "hit up my panties"...

And today you got me REALLY excited. Your response to my hot comedy love on ReverbNation moved me up one more postion (finally surpassing the sword swallower...one of life's mysteries as to what's so funny about his act) on my way to the TOP!!!

Hit up my widget (located on this page)...it's all yours! Or go to www.reverbnation.com/shellyryan. Listen, download, become a fan, share it...do whatever you want, but PLEASE, don't obey TOO many rules!!!

I'm enjoying the Summer Olympics and have been taking in many cultural components: Hey, if you haven't tried it, Chinese beer is REALLY tasty!

I also share a snippet of my Chinese horoscope: All the information your subconscious has been mulling about for the past while suddenly bubbles up to the surface and a wellspring of creativity is yours to tap. This message, while it applies to the billions of other "dogs" out there, perfectly describes my creative experiences over the past few days. The comedy love is overflowing!!!

I've done a lot of soul searching and realize for me it's not as much about competing against others in this race known as life. I will never bring home the gold medal for comedy or any of my other numerous endeavors. However I WILL continue to exceed my own personal best every day of my life and, more important, embrace the spirit that we're all in this together as a team!

Love & laughs,
Shelly

PS. Until I post a whole lotta NEW comedy love, enjoy the blogs, audio comedies and videos at MYSPACE or REVERBNATION.